Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas Bumper Edition: Fozzie's 'Christmas Tail'

This year the S's say I am old enough to understand the true meaning of Christmas. Apparently it is not just supposed to be about getting presents, eating lots and sleeping. That is a shame because those are my most favorite things to do, and I was looking forward to a week of those things. No, Christmas is about thinking what you can do to help other people and according to Sarah, being good and making some promises to be even more good next year. Syd says that is New Year not Christmas, and that Christmas is about watching telly and not being told what to do. Sarah says she has given my Christmas present money to the RSPCA who look after all the poor dogs who noone takes care of. I think that is good, so I don't mind, but I do hope I at least get a pig's ear for Christmas............Anyway I have put together all the things I have learned about Christmas and this is what I think it is all about.

At Christmas, people send you cards, which you can rip up if you get to them before Sarah does. Then there are some plants. One is a tree, and the other is a sort of spiky green plant with red berries (which are not food) and that Sarah was all excited about when she found it at the garden centre. It is from England and if you put your nose in this plant it hurts a LOT. We put the plants inside the house at Christmas  (not outside - which is weird because plants normally do go outside, so that you can wee on them).  Next there is shopping for presents. Shopping. That is boring. No more to say about that. BUT the presents go in stockings which are big socks and I LOVE to eat socks. I have asked Santa just to bring me a stocking this year, without any presents.

Even better than all this, there is special Christmas food which luckily includes my favourite thing - SAUSAGES! There are sausage rolls, pigs in blankets, and pig legs, and turkey. Except we don't have turkey because it is too big, and there are only 3 of us, so we have to have chicken. I told Sarah that I would definitely be able to get through a whole turkey, but she didn't listen to me. You know, she says I don't listen to her, but really, she doesn't listen to me. I am always making really good suggestions like this one, but she ignores them. Syd says he knows how I feel...........

We start eating Christmas food even before Christmas in our family. We have already started on mince pies, and last weekend the S's spent all day eating with the other humans in the family. No dogs were invited at all which was very unfair although they did bring back some food and presents for me, so although I was building up to do a BIG sulk, I had to forgive them. There are 2 new baby humans in our family now, one is Theodore and this is his first Christmas.  The newest one is Sonny, but he is brand new and he is too small to know about Christmas yet. I am glad to see that the babies have to put up with the same hassles as the dogs and that their mums dress them up for Christmas too. Check this elf out.....I shall have to give Theodore some tips on how to avoid this sort of thing.

Anyway, where was I ? Oh yes, so there are also some special Christmas people who come  to visit - Santa is one of them.  He came last year, but he was really Syd. But also there is Scrooge, and Jesus, and 'Three Wise Men'. I think that Scrooge is a bit like Sarah - he spoils people's fun from what I have heard. And I am not sure about what Jesus does, but he is a baby so he probably doesn't do much. Maybe he dresses up as an elf? Most babies that I have seen are not interesting anyway, but once, there was this baby eating a croissant in his pram, which was at exactly the same height as me so I could taste it, that was good until his mum saw me...... Note that there are no 'Wise Women' only 'Wise Men'. That sounds about right to me.

Other things you do is 'be festive'. Being festive means you drink wine, and other drinks that you only get out at Christmas that make you go silly. The S's  (particularly one of them) are often 'festive', even when it's not Christmas...... And you see all your friends and you don't go to work. I don't go to work anyway, so it makes no difference to me, but the S's get very excited about this. There is Christmas music too, which Sarah keeps playing, even in the car, which all sounds the same and hurts your ears (a bit like Kylie Minogue hurts your ears). Also, you think about all your friends and family who you can't see because they are far away (and if they live in England, you phone them and remind them that it is a very pleasant 28 degrees in Australia even though it's December, and, you also mention cricket but you only mention cricket if Australia are winning, otherwise you keep quiet....)

Then after all of that - there is New Year. This is my least favourite bit, because all the good food has been finished, and they have scary fireworks, very loud and bangy. Especially in Sydney. They go on for hours and even if you hide under the bed you can still hear them. You might remember, I broke my leg last time it was New Year because I was very scared and I fell down the stairs. So this year we will be spending New Year in the country and Syd says there won't be any fireworks to scare me, so that will be very good.

One last thing; the S's make you dress up at Christmas. They put hats on you, or antlers, or stripy jumpers. Look at what they made me wear this year........ I was not impressed. They thought this was funny, but I did not. This is called 'The Nativity';  and there was supposed to be a sheep and a donkey in the photo with us, but we don't know any sheeps or donkeys. I wanted to involve the wombat who lives in our garden but he wasn't available so the S's used all my toys instead who were; a pig, a fly and a rabbit. It was not MY idea to do this - but you don't have a choice with the S's as your humans.

 So, I hope you all have a very good Christmas, with turkey (not chicken), pigs in blankets, pigs legs, pigs ears and presents and that your humans don't dress you up as an elf, or a fairy, or put a towel on your head, and I wish all the dogs a Happy and non-scary New Year, with no fireworks and no fleas: this can be an itchy time of year for us hairy ones. (And a tip: If your humans try to make you do a 'resolution' and promise to be good in 2011, just nod and say yes, but keep your paws crossed because then it doesn't really count and you don't have to do it.....)

Before I sign off for the year, I want to say a big big thank you to Sharon. Sharon is my new lady friend. She works with Sarah and she likes dogs (doesn't everyone?) and she made a special picture of me for Sarah! AND she gave me all her old tennis balls that she didn't want any more. I have mostly put them all in the harbour, I like to do that as it annoys Sarah, because she can't get them and I won't fetch them out again. Great fun! I would like to maybe swap Sarah for Sharon....her name begins with 'S' too, so I am sure Syd wouldn't even notice......mmmm I might put that on my Christmas list. ' Dear Santa, please bring me a new 'S' for Christmas..... ha!' That might teach her that a dog does not like to get 'feedback' or have a 'year end appraisal' or any of her other nonsense......

 I went to Sarah's work this week, I don't know why she complains about going there, it was great. There was a swimming pool, and tennis courts, and noone was doing any work at all. Sarah's friends came to admire me, and said I was a very good dog (it is only Sarah who thinks I am NOT a good dog) and we had cake. I had a lot of cake. Sharon was there and also there was Jacqui who I met once before when I was a baby. She is very nice, but between you and me, I think Jacqui should stop eating quite so much cake.... I am a gentleman so I didn't say anything to her of course.

Here is everyone. Eating cake! And doing NO work. I shall never believe Sarah again when she says she is 'busy'. Pah.
Here is Sharon, and that is Jacqui above (you see what I mean about eating a little bit too much cake)? You can tell Sarah took that photo by the way, because her FINGER is over the lens.....women.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone, and thanks for reading my 'tails' this year. See you all in 2011.
Love from FozzieFurBaby.
ps these last photos are not baby Jesus, but Sonny, just in case you were wondering. 

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

End of Year Appraisal

Today the S's gave me a 'review'. They said everyone gets one at the end of the year, to see if they have met their goals and to highlight any 'areas for improvement'. I did not like the sound of this at all, so I went outside to chew up some of my new pre-Christmas toys and left them to it. (My pre-Christmas toys are ones that I managed to get off Syd before he had time to wrap them up). I was listening to the S's, though I pretended to be very busy with my fluffy pig (he makes 2 types of noise; a squeak and a grunt - very entertaining) and I heard Sarah say that I had not really done very well in several areas. I was shocked.

These so called 'areas for improvement' were; obedience, listening and attention to detail. I am too distracted by cats on the street, and stale bread in the park whilst out on walks, she said. And I got a 'needs improvement'  also for 'etiquette'. I have never even heard of this, but it is about good manners. I scored low because I weed on a lady the other day in the park. This lady was wearing a long dress that looked like a lamppost, and standing very still, and I absentmindedly cocked my leg on her whilst wondering what I might be having for dinner (it was chicken AGAIN) and anyway,  it was only one wee on a lady in a whole year; hardly worth a mention at all in my view.

Syd said I scored highly on 'guarding the front steps from BODGER', and that I exceeded expectations for 'handsomest dog leaning out of a car window'. I was pleased with this; Syd and I see eye to eye on what is important in life.

Also taken into account was my scorecard from Angie Paws. This is the book I have mentioned to you, where Angie Paws writes what I have been doing on my walks. Very unecessary for the S's to get reports on me like this, but I have not managed to get this book yet, though I have tried and it is now a little bit raggedy round the edges.  Anyway, in my book I have an equal number of smiley faces and 'comments'. So I have scored C+ over all.

I didn't get to have a say, as usual, but if I was doing an appraisal of the S's, I would rate Sarah very low all-round, apart from high on bossing and screeching. Syd would score high on everything but he probably needs to improve on taking Fozzie for walks. Usually, when Sarah is not around, he drives me in the car to the park,....but that is our secret. I suppose that is how I have got so good at hanging out of the car window.

Anyway I am not sure of the point of all this, but I did hear that I am to be set some goals for next year.... I will wait until I hear what they are before I decide if I will do them or not. I can tell you I have already set myself some goals, and number 1 is to get BODGER, or if I can't get him, any other cat in the neighborhood, by end of quarter 1. If I succeed, I will be expecting a big bonus of some pigs' ears and  a promotion to at least number 2 in the pack. Apparently I am currently at number 3, with Syd at 1 and Sarah at 2!! Surely that is a mistake? She can't even kill a cockroach, she is rubbish at throwing balls, and you should see her trying to park the embarassing. When you are 'handsomest dog leaning out of a car', frankly, you deserve to arrive in style, with smooth parking like Syd seems to manage. I shall be giving my feedback on her, that is for sure.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


This weekend the S's left me at home and went away to stay in a hotel. No dogs were allowed in this hotel so that is why I couldn't go with them. I don't know why anyone would want to go somewhere with no dogs, but as you know the S's are a little bit strange.

Anyway, I didn't mind staying home because my special lady friend Victoria came to keep me company. Victoria and I had a very nice time eating snacks and watching tv, although I wanted to watch 101 Dalmatians and she said no, so I had to watch some boring ladies' tv like Sarah watches. I don't mind if the S's go away again, though next time maybe they could come back a little less grumpy. Syd said they stayed in a very nice place on the harbour and Sarah got "carried away" (I wish someone would carry her away) and drank a lot of wine and that is why she was grumpy today...  I heard them say that it was quite nice to have a weekend away because they 'didn't have to get up early, or put up with Fozzie farting'. What a cheek; they are the ones who get up early, not me, I am always sleeping! As for farting, well that is just outrageous......all I will say is that I am not the only one in this household who does that. You know, I think I will go away without them sometime and see how they like it.....

I missed the Airedale Christmas fun day because the S's went away. I was sad about that because I wanted to see all my friends but I was also glad that I didn't have to get dressed up in a Christmas costume this know how I feel about that. In fact, I am giving the S's the silent treatment and I am refusing to be in any photos today, so you will just have to put up with photos of them, 'enjoying themselves without Fozzie'. Pah. Also, here is a picture of Victoria, who is a nice and proper lady. She is a good babysitter who lets you do pretty much what you want, and does not put ointment in your eyes, or hosepipe you, or towel you, or do any of the bad things Sarah gets away with. The S's can go away whenever they like if Victoria can look after me again. So there.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Hair everywhere

I have decided I should like to go and live somewhere else. Somewhere perhaps where there is NO Sarah. I am fed up of all the bad things she keeps doing to me. Today was the worst yet. Someone needs to stop her. You tell me if you think a dog should have to tolerate this stuff..........

First this morning, I was minding my own business, having a post walk pigsear, and I got HOSEPIPED.  It is very hot this week, and I have had to cool off in the harbour every time we have been on a walk. This means when we get home I get HOSEPIPED in the back garden. I have already told you how I don't like this. The water is too cold, it is too wet, and it makes me very angry. I have to run laps round the table and bark and roll around in the leaves to dry off. She shouldn't do it.

After that, I was having a snooze in the hall and she walked past with some treats. Good I thought, I am due some treats. But as I was enjoying the snack she whipped out that nasty stuff she drips onto my neck. It is cold and it smells and I don't like it. She does this every 2 weeks. It is TOO MUCH. Again I had to run round outside and rub up and down the fence to try and get it off. It won't come off. You are probably thinking, 'poor Fozzie, that is terrible' but wait, there is MORE.

Next thing I see her messing around with a new toy that Syd brought home the other day. It is called 'clippers'. Yes, you guessed it! Not content with wetting me, and putting potions on me, she has now taken it upon herself to CUT MY FUR OFF. I did not give her permission to mess with my hair. What a liberty!  Normally the groomers do this sort of thing, and that is bad enough, but a dog doesn't expect it to happen in his own home! She is a total amateur as well; she kept getting the clippers stuck in my fur. Anyway I had to submit, so I just lay on my side, with my depressed face on. You know the one. I lay there for a long time and wouldn't roll over. So now one side of my fur is a little bit longer than the other. And as for my face! She has removed my beard. I liked that beard. It was hairy and long and I could save bits of food in it.

Ok now surely that was enough for one day? NO IT WAS NOT! After I had been ignoring her very hard, for about 2 hours, she told me we were going for a ride in the car. I thought maybe we were going to get Syd, perhaps to go on holiday, but do you know where she took me? THE VETS. I went there yesterday! You should not go to the vets twice in 2 days. Yesterday they  made a bald patch on my leg, and stole some of my blood. And today, even though it was my favourite lady vet who I like to see, I was very cross because they put needles in my neck. Vaccinations they said it was. No amount of treats and rubbing will make up for that!

So you see, I am in need of a new home. If you know anyone who wants an Airedale with his hair shorter on one side, with a greasy neck, and a bald patch on his leg......let me know because I am their man.


Rainy Holidays

It won't stop raining here in Sydney.  This means that I get wet every time I go on my walk and when I get wet I have to get towelled and I don't like it. Sarah follows me round the house, trying to dry my paws and this also makes me mad - I usually wait until she has done them all, then I go outside again!

We had a week of holidays in the country and it rained there too, the whole time. I don't mind when it rains there because it's so exciting to be in the country that I forget I am wet. I also go in the dam a lot which makes me wet anyway. I will tell you more about the country later.
Anyway the best thing that happened this weekend was that Syd came home. I told you he went to Spain; well he went for ages. I looked for him every evening when Sarah came home, but he wasn't there. To be honest I was getting a bit worried that he might never come back. Imagine - I would have been left alone with Sarah, it would have been a lot less fun (too bossy). A whole week he was gone....but he came back early this morning finally. Sarah was still in bed (lazy). But I was up and I heard him at the front door. I was so excited I didn't know what to do; bite him, jump on him, lick him, wag my tail - I did all of those things, and that was even before he got through the door.

Syd brought a lot of presents. My present was a bit of a surprise though. It was a CAT. But the kind of cat you can chew! I have been chewing it quite a lot - I have nearly eaten one of its legs already. After we'd opened our presents, Syd went to sleep for a long time. I thought he was never getting up. Even when I sat on him and licked his face he didn't move. Sarah said he had 'jetlag'. I sometimes get 'jetlag'. I lie on my bed for hours. Usually when it's raining. I am trying to sleep less though, as ever since the BODGER incident I have been having nightmares. Sarah says I wake up barking in the middle of the night. It scares her and it scares me too - I don't know where I am and I leap off my bed looking for CATS. But they are just in my head apparently.

Here are some pictures of me in the country. The things we did most on our holiday were; gardening (the S's), running (me), chasing things; especially wombats (me) going to the beach (all of us), going to the pub (all of us), drinking wine (Sarah), knocking things down (Syd), and falling asleep after running, gardening and knocking things down (all of us). My humans are strange, but anyway they seemed to enjoy themselves.

Gardening is a waste of time. You dig a lot of plants out of the ground and throw them away, then you plant some more plants, and put labels on them, and wait to see if they grow. Boring. The best part is getting the labels and pulling them off the plants and running away with them (me). Also chewing up gardening gloves is good (me again). The strangest thing of all is 'making compost'. Sarah likes this. Syd has made a special shed and she puts all the old dead plants in there till they go smelly. If I can get in there I like to have a good sniff and a roll around but I get in trouble for that. In fact I get in trouble for a lot of things; chasing wombats, eating gloves, rolling in smells; really for all the great things I like to do on my holidays!