My Valentine.......

Last week I learned about a new thing. It is called 'Romance'. 'Romance' is when you have to give someone you like a present. Syd told me all about it. He said you have to be careful not to forget to do 'Romance' at the right times, like birthdays and on a special day called Valentine's day.

I thought about this and wondered who I could do 'Romance' with. You remember my older lady friend, Finn, who is very hairy and lives next door? Well I decided I would try it with her. Not with her sister Griff (who is also hairy, but quite grumpy and who does not like me. DEFINTELY NO 'Romance' for her).

You have to do Valentine's romancing in secret so I left a present and a card in Finn's letter box when she was out with her humans being made to do jogging . I am glad my humans don't believe in doing jogging. It doesn't look fun at all. Actually, I did not really want to give her the present, because it was one of my special pig's ears, and after I had put it in the box, I thought may be it would be best if I just kept it for myself. Anyway Syd said that was not really romantic, and I should 'do the right thing' and give away the pig's ear (even though she's got a SACK of pigs ears at her house already, which I think is a bit greedy to be honest, since I only get a pig's ear once in a blue moon.....anyway Syd says that it is not gentlemanly to talk about how much  ladies eat. But really!  Maybe that's why she has to do jogging....mmmm?)

I think that Finn was impressed with my romancing. Next time she saw me I got a big kiss! And we played at squashing plants together, until I got taken home by the S's. They are no fun. Griff was very jealous and pulled a face at me. Not that you can really see what kind of face she's pulling under all that hair. But I could just sense she was pulling a face.

It is my 6 month birthday next week. Syd says that's not really a birthday, you have to wait till you're 1 year old before you get a real birthday. But that is ages away, so I am hoping someone will remember and maybe I'll get a present. I would like my pig's ear back. Or maybe a sausage?

Sewing and a Midnight ride......

I have been at the Vets TWO TIMES this week. The first time, I couldn't believe I was going there again. I had not hurt myself, or been in trouble but I was left there all day, and had things done to me AGAIN. I thought perhaps the vet was going to sort out my radical haircut but no, he was poking around with my leg.

I am not sure what he did because I fell asleep for a loooooong time, but when I woke up my leg was bald again and someone had been sewing in it. I know about sewing as I have seen Sarah trying sew a button onto some shorts. She was not very good and sewed the shorts onto the jeans she was wearing. I laughed at that. Anyway, my leg.....has now got sewing in it. It does not hurt though. I proved that by running around really fast when we got home. Sarah says I should NOT run fast but must rest. She says that the vet took out 2 pins that he had left in my leg! He must be as bad at sewing as Sarah is. So that is why I had to go to the vets for the first time this week.

What is good though, is that in 2 weeks, when the sewing gets taken out.....I CAN GO OFF THE LEASH AGAIN. I have made a list of all the things I will do in 2 weeks:

1. GO OFF THE LEASH
2. RUN as fast as I can wherever I am.
3. PLAY with everyone I see on my walks
4. GO TO SEE ALL MY FRIENDS!! I have not seen them for ages

5. Sarah says I will also go to obedience class. Mmmm. I don't know about that one.

Because the S's don't let me have fun any more (no off leash running, no jumping, bla bla) I have invented some new, fun things to do at home.

1. Menacing the green garden snake. I made a lot of holes in it with my teeth and now it sprays water everywhere like a shower!
2. Stealing things. I like to take Syd's stuff from where he leaves it on the table and take it out to my grassy area. That is where I stash my loot. Things I have taken so far include shoes, and cushions, and wallets...... I have to be really quick because if the S's see me, the loot gets 'confiscated'.

3. Getting angry at toys. Some of my toys make me really angry. I don't know why. I just get really cross and shake and shake them till they break. I have to lie down for a rest after I've been doing that.

4. Putting my face in the toilet. This makes Sarah very cross which is why I do it! She comes running to close the toilet lid when she sees me do that. I like to make her run!!

Anyway the second trip to the Vets was really weird. Last night, very late the S's started behaving even more strangely than usual. They must have lost something because they were looking under the sofa and the table, lifting up all the furniture and looking everywhere. I don't know what they had lost, but it must have been important. They looked at me quite a lot too.

The next thing that happened was that we all got in the car. This was very exciting because it was dark and it was bedtime and we never usually go in the car then. It was good going in the car, I was a bit tired but I looked out of the window at all the lights, and wondered if we were going on holidays again. Anyway it was a surprise when we arrived and we were at...... ANOTHER VETs! Not my usual one but a new one; the 'Emergency Vet clinic', it was called. .

When we got inside, a nice lady vet came to see me. She said 'he has trouble written all over him'. I don't know what she meant, anyway she took me away and took a photo of my tummy. She said she wanted to see what was in there. Then the S's came to look at the picture. They seemed quite happy to find there was nothing in my tummy, apart from some bits of food, oh yes and some gas. Sarah said it was not a surprise at all to hear I had gas in there.

So after that we all went home again and went to bed. Very strange.

This morning Sarah was looking for something again, and finally found the missing thing. It was something I had left on my grass. It was not interesting so I had not eaten it but just scratched it a bit with my teeth. This is what it was. A shiny thing that I had found it in Syd's wallet.

Now I think they thought I had eaten the shiny thing! I don't know why they would think that! It was not tasty like a sausage or a bone! Syd says I owe him $400 for last night's ride in the car, and that I have to get a paper round and a Saturday job until I've paid him back. I don't know what he is talking about.

Hey did you all see that Gracie was in a show? She looked very grown up, I hardly recognised her. I would like to go in a show too, but Sarah says the only show I should go in is the circus. I don't know what she means by that either. I am going to visit Kay, Ruby and Gracie and my brother Ringo on Sunday - I can't wait!

Human Behaviour

Here are some of my observations on my humans. I have been watching them for some time now and these are the things I have noticed.

1. Parties. When humans have had parties, they get up later the next morning. Sometimes I have to wait AGES for my breakfast the morning after a party. They are also in a bad mood and don't even say sorry for being late. I can guess how late they will get up by counting up how many empty bottles there are in the kitchen. Also their parties are boring. When my friends come round, we chase each other round the garden for hours, and have fun. When their friends come round, they just sit about talking. Boring.

2. Work. Humans don't like to go to work. On the days when they go to work, they are in a bad mood (even though they haven't had a party) and they rush about, ignoring me. I prefer them on days when they don't go to work. On those days they are happier and spend more time with me.

3. Bossing. Lady humans (Sarah) are bossy. They are always telling men humans (Syd) what to do. But the men humans don't often take any notice. Sometimes they pretend they are listening, but are really watching football. Most of the bossing is about 'doing exercise'.

4. Saturdays. Men humans like to go to 'Bunnings' on the days they don't go to work. Every Saturday Syd goes to 'Bunnings', and when he comes back Sarah says 'did you have a sausage'? I don't know what 'Bunnings' is but I wish I could go there and have a sausage.

Lady humans like to go to 'the spa' on Saturdays. I think that the spa is a bit like the groomers, but worse. I heard that they take your fur off with wax! I am NEVER going there. Sarah sometimes goes for a long time, but when she comes back she doesn't look any better. She might have had her hair smoothed out, or her claws painted red but that's the only difference. I think she is wasting her money.

6. Chores. Men humans are in charge of driving the car. Lady humans are in charge of the fridge. Neither men or ladies are in charge of cleaning the house. I have noticed that no-one wants to do that. They especially don't like getting out the vaccuum cleaner. I don't like that vacuum cleaner either. It is too noisy and once I saw it eating some of my biscuits which I was saving on the floor for later. When it comes out of the cupboard now I bark at it and I chase it round the house. Fortunately it rarely makes an appearance.

7. Clothes. Sarah likes clothes and going shopping to get more clothes. Syd is not interested in clothes at all. Sarah has a cupboard for her clothes which is twice as big as Syd's. AND she puts her clothes in his cupboard too. Poor Syd has to leave his clothes on the floor - and he gets in trouble for this. No wonder Syd doesn't like to go shopping for clothes if he doesn't have anywhere to put them. Sometimes I help him; when I find his clothes (especially socks) on the floor I pick them up and run away with them to bury them for him before Sarah can see them.

8. TV. Syd likes to watch football; even in the middle of the night. He gets in trouble for this too. Sarah likes to watch 'Sex and the City' even though she's seen all the episodes before. Syd doesn't mind though, because when she's watching 'Sex and the City' no-one is telling him what to do. He told me that 'Sex and the City' is a programme about ladies going shopping to buy more clothes, so of course Sarah would like it.

These are my observations so far. I will keep watching the S's, and let you know of any more funny behaviour that I notice. On the whole they are not too bad, just a little bit strange. I wonder if all humans are like this? I have heard that cats just move out when they get fed up with their humans, and go and live next door. I would not do this because Bodger (a CAT) lives next door on one side, and Griff (who does not like me) lives on the other. I think I will just stay here for the time being.

Here is the first official photo of my new haircut.

What do you think?

note: Syd says I should explain:

Bunnings = Hardware store (no women allowed).  Mmm, No women and sausages? I DEFINITELY want to go there.

Inside out ears and other freaky stuff

Note: The following photos are PRE-HAIRCUT. I am still not ready to brave the world and show you my new look following the 'hairdorama'....

Something is going on with my ears. They have taken on a life of their own. Have a look and you'll see what I mean....

.

Australia Day Haircut

Happy Australia Day everyone. Syd and Sarah wanted to put up a photo of me in my full Aussie regalia today: vest, hat, flag, stubby holder etc but I have imposed a temporary ban on photo opportunities. This is because I have had a rather radical haircut. It is Sarah's fault. Here is a pre-haircut photo of me for now.

The S's took me to the nice lady who did my hair last time. They asked her to clip me because I was too hot and itchy. I distinctly heard Sarah say 'You don't need to do the Airedale cut, we just want him to be more comfortable in the heat'. Oh yes, and she said I should have my claws trimmed, and ears cleaned. She is so bossy. She does the same to Syd when he goes for his haircut. 'Get your nose hair and ears trimmed' she says. He rolls his eyes and we exchange knowing looks when she is giving orders. Then we both shake our heads and say 'Women' (silently).

So, they left me in the waiting room with a bald pug (scary) and a very fluffy sheepdog (hairy) and disappeared for TWO HOURS. The groomers is a bit like the vets. You go there. They do things to you. Then the S's come back and give money and take you home again. They don't have to give as much money to the groomers as they do to the vet which I think is strange because it takes 5 minutes to see the vet and HOURS are spent at the groomers..... Anyway, I digress. Back to my haircut.



Two hours is an eternity in doggy time. Lots of things can happen. Much fur can be lost. I did not want my claws trimmed, by the way. They are useful for digging holes in the front garden. As usual though, no-one asked my opinion. I would have told them that, AND I would have told them that you are not supposed to clip Airedales.



It is hard to explain what I look like now. I am sort of bald all over - I had a 'number 10' cut apparently. Everything has gone apart from my hair on top of my head and on my tail. Sarah has not stopped laughing since they picked me up. She said 'we mustn't laugh, it will hurt his feelings'. Then she started laughing again. These are some of the rude things she has said:


'He looks like he's wearing a ginger toupee'.

'He looks like a lion with a perm'.

'He looks like a 'Bedlington terrier'.

'He looks like a nanna who's just taken her curlers out'.


Syd has stared at me a lot but he has not been so rude. He did say 'He looks like George Castanza's dad from Seinfeld'. I don't know if that is good or bad. Later he said I looked like 'Skeletor' because all my eye fur has gone, but my cheeks are still furry.

So photos are banned until I get some doggy opinions on my new 'look'. I will know how bad it really is when I see Ruby and Gracie tomorrow- they will tell me straight.

This explains why there is no Aussie Fozzie photo today.

Here is another pre-haircut photo of me in the countryside in Kangaroo Valley. The S's took me there for the weekend and I spent 3 days looking for Kangaroos but I didn't see a single one. It was very tiring as you can see. Oh yes, I did find a new type of poo to eat - wombat poo. It is a strange shape - but it tastes quite good. I would like to meet a wombat so I can ask him how he makes his poo square.

ps I thought I would let you know that Sarah drank too much wine last night. She has been so rude to me that I think it's only fair that I get my own back. They had a bbq here last night with their friends. They had steak and sausages but I did not get ANYTHING (apart from one piece of steak that was so small I could hardly see it). I spent all evening guarding the BBQ from Bodger who was sitting on his roof watching everything. I wasn't going to let HIM snag a snag when I wasn't allowed one. You can see his evil eyes glinting in the moonlight....

For any non-Aussies amongst my readers, Syd says I should explain the following:

Stubby holder = a beer holder (they taste bad)

Snag = a sausage (they taste REALLY good. If you can get one.)

Bathtime

Today I had a bath. I have been avoiding baths due to the chicken leg, but today Sarah said I STANK, and because it was such a hot day, a bath could be postponed no longer. Yes, I did stink. But I liked it that way.

Well, the indignity of it. I was taken outside in the yard and soaped up thoroughly with my new 'fleabite' shampoo (to stop me scratching, said Sarah). Look at my face - you'd think they would realise I was NOT HAPPY. Isn't it obvious?

To add to the humiliation, Bodger the Dodger was watching the whole thing. I gave him my hardest stare and I tried to escape but I was totally helpless and could not get away. I tried going backwards, forwards and sideways, but there was no way out. Syd 'the bouncer' was standing there with his arms folded, blocking the door to prevent me getting back in the house. If they are going to bath me, then I should have privacy at least. I don't want cats laughing at me whilst I am all soapy in the back yard. It is most undignified and against the rules. I may laugh at cats; cats may NOT laugh at me. I did a grumble in my throat but they just ignored me.

Then even worse than the soaping - came the rinsing. Do you know what they did? They actually rinsed me with the green garden snake. That green garden snake is for watering plants and squirting stuff. It's not to be used on ME! How would they like it? Being hosed down like poo being washed off the deck! I think they have forgotten who I am. I had to submit, but I stood there thinking evil thoughts and planning my revenge (and doing grumbles in my throat).

Look, here is Bodger! Syd finally got a picture of him. (He is quite fat). He was running away, and who could blame him after he'd seen what they had been doing to me. He probably thought he was next in line for a soaping.

After my bath I was 'towelled'. I don't like being 'towelled'. I struggle and fight and shake myself really hard but Sarah persists with the rubbing. Eventually I got away and took the towel with me so she couldn't do it anymore.

Now I smell of LEMONS, which Sarah says is very nice. But it's not very nice and it's not right for dogs to smell like fruit. When Syd sorts it out, I will post my first video appearance for you to see exactly what I do post-bath. I was VERY CROSS. I rolled around in all the leaves and sticks I could find, and I decided I would try to make the fence smell of lemons instead of me. I hope this will make the S's realise it's just not worth bathing me. I will always do my utmost to get stinky again, so they are wasting their time.

They gave me a bone and some biscuits after my bath and asked for my forgiveness. I will not forgive them till they BEG ME to. They will have to do better than that. I want a jumbo pot of peanut butter, at least. I rubbed my face all over my bone anyway, so at least my beard doesn't smell lemony any more, and I felt a bit like a proper dog again.

One more thing happened to make me feel just a little bit happier after the bath. Because I am now allowed to go for 5 minute walks to help the chicken leg get better, we walked down to the park so that I could dry off. Anyway, I was just minding my own business (still thinking evil thoughts) when a lady in a car stopped and shouted to Sarah. She said 'Is THAT an Airedale'? ('THAT'? How rude!) Sarah said yes, I was an Airedale baby and the lady said 'He is beautiful, he's the most gorgeous dog'. Did you get that? 'Gorgeous and beautful', she said I was. The lady said that she wanted an Airedale too, and she asked if I was a good dog. Sarah said I was a good dog (of course I am) but a bit stubborn (I am NOT stubborn).

Anyway I felt quite pleased but didn't show it. I just sat there, looking gorgeous and beautiful (very easy for me) and pretending not to listen, whilst the Humans talked about me. The only bad thing was that afterwards Sarah said; 'See Fozzie, that was because you had a bath - you are stopping traffic now'. Hmmm I don't think me being all fluffy and smelling of lemons was why the lady stopped. She just saw my natural Airedale Terrier handsomeness of course, (which, as all Airedales know, is only improved by getting stinky.) I hope this does not make Sarah think I should have MORE baths? That will be VERY BAD INDEED.

To help everyone avoid baths, this is what you need to watch out for.....the 'bathtime equipment'. If you see the washing up bowl, the green garden snake and the towel all together, and your Humans start circling you, then you know there's trouble in store..... Next time I spy these instruments of torture I am going to 'make like Bodger' and RUN AWAY as fast as I can!

Confession...

Sarah says I have to 'come clean' and also go next door and apologise to 'The Bodge'. OK then - I'll admit it; the cat in that picture was not Bodger. But I got you all going didn't I?! Pretty funny eh? And one of the first things my mum Ruby taught me was that it's always OK to make fun of cats, I've got heaps of 'cat jokes' if you want to hear any? The real Bodger is too fast for me to actually get a photo of him; he's a furry blur. Bodger the Dodger I call him. He is white though, and he's big and has a mean face. And a 'skulking demeanour'.....I definitely wouldn't trust him. I heard him getting told off at his human's bbq for stealing a sausage.

Whilst I'm confessing things, I'll let you know another secret. Those humans in the pictures I've been showing you are not really Sarah and Syd. I guess I'd better put up a photo of the real S's too....

Right I feel better now I've got that off my chest. Confession is good for the soul. (Yes Sarah I did chew your brown flipflops, and that skirt you are wearing today makes you look fat. Oooh noooo, stop, I can't stop confessing things now I've started; I'd better go quick). I'll leave you with a picture of the real me.

Much more photogenic than the S's aren't I? They're lucky I let them hang out with me.

Feeling down

This week, I am quite sad. Sarah thinks I have depression as well as a chicken leg and a not-completely-black nose. If I do, it's entirely 'bucket related'. I am still forced into the offending plastic at nights and when the humans are at work. It is an outrage. A funny thing happened this morning though, Sarah put on the bucket the WRONG WAY ROUND! I looked as though I was stuck up a drainpipe. I gave her a very hard stare, but she didn't even notice it was back to front, until Syd pointed it out. Women, honestly. Thank goodness for my man human.

Also would you believe that Bodger the cat from next door has taken to sitting on my front door step? This is the worst outrage of all. I don't mind cats, but I do mind who sits on my step. He is 'taking advantage' Sarah says, because I cannot go outside. He'd better watch his step though (ha!) because I will be reclaiming my territory very soon. He has been warned....

There have been two happy things this week though, both involving ladies.

My friend Victoria came round to visit- she is nice. Even better than Victoria though was the great big pig leg she brought with her. I could not stop wagging my tail and sniffed so hard I got a headache. I was very excited. I have had pigs' ears before - they are my favourite. But never a pig leg! It was a Christmas pig leg that she couldn't eat so she shared it with me and the humans. Actually I think she got a bad deal, as all she got from Sarah was an 'OK' magazine in return for a whole leg, and they taste rubbish. I like Victoria even more now! Sarah could learn a few things from her.....

The second good lady thing was that Carolyn, my babysitter came back. I did not see her over Christmas; I had to put up with 'the S's' and I missed her a lot. Carolyn usually takes me off in a van and I go for walks with some other doggy friends. This time though she just came to visit me. She was sad to see what S and S had done to me (I told her it was all their fault). She gave me a lot of love and treats. I hope she comes back again every day. I am sure I can persuade her to liberate me from THE BUCKET and maybe get that pig leg out of the freezer....?

If any more ladies are planning on coming round to visit this week, can they please wear shorts? I am missing following girls in shorts since I am not having my walks at the moment. If legs in shorts could come to see me, that would be very good and would help my recovery. I asked Syd for some photos of ladies in shorts to go on my blog but he said no, he would get into trouble. Here's a photo of Syd in shorts, but it's not really the same.....

Strange goings on

Some funny business has been happening around here. Maybe it's because I stayed up all night muttering under my breath about this plastic bucket, and didn't get much sleep. Or maybe it was a dream.....but I DID see the Tooth Fairy last night.

Two things are strange about this Tooth Fairy...... The first thing is that he didn't leave me anything. I am supposed to get a present for my tooth. That's what Sarah told me. But this hairy fairy just went in the kitchen, had a drink and went away again.

The second strange thing was that the Tooth Fairy LOOKED LIKE SYD.
This is very strange because, at Christmas, when Santa came - he LOOKED LIKE SYD too. Santa also came downstairs in the night, had a drink, and went away again. But at least he left me some presents.

Now I am wondering...is Syd the Tooth Fairy? Is Santa a Fairy? Is Syd Santa and a Fairy? Are all fairies hairy? And where is my present?

If anyone knows the answers to these questions please let me know. It is all very confusing and I think I need a bit more sleep.....

PS I am still not speaking to Sarah and Syd - it is for their own good, they have to learn.

Stop press.....news!

Two things happened today. First, I lost a baby tooth. I am gettng my 'big boy teeth' now! Syd says that means I have to stop biting everyone. My teeth are sore though, I have to chew on something, and humans have tasty arms. Anyway Sarah is saving my tooth - she says the 'tooth fairy' might come tonight. He'd better not come near me; I'll bite him.

Secondly, I went to visit the vet today. I like it there. Everyone knows me and I am quite famous. I especially like all the nurses..... and the free treats. Anyway, the vet took away my blue leg! Underneath my blue leg is a bald chicken leg. All my fur had been shaved away, it was quite a shock to see it. It doesn't look very nice. I have 6 stitches too. Anyway it hurts more now and I am a bit sad. I still can't go for any walks and I don't like to put this skinny new chicken leg of mine on the floor in case it snaps, so I hold it up in the air. It is very tiring.

The WORST thing that happened though, was that at bedtime, I had to sleep with a plastic bucket on my head. The humans said it was to stop me licking my chicken leg. They have gone too far this time. I am NOT HAPPY AT ALL. It is bad enough to have a blue leg, no walks, no playing with friends, and NO FUN. But this is the worst dressing up they've EVER done to me. I am not speaking to them. I know they feel guilty because they keep giving me treats. But it is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

And how am I going to bite that tooth fairy with a plastic bucket on my head....? I am not allowing any photos of this degradation, so you'll just have to imagine it.