Today I had a bath. I have been avoiding baths due to the chicken leg, but today Sarah said I STANK, and because it was such a hot day, a bath could be postponed no longer. Yes, I did stink. But I liked it that way.
Well, the indignity of it. I was taken outside in the yard and soaped up thoroughly with my new 'fleabite' shampoo (to stop me scratching, said Sarah). Look at my face - you'd think they would realise I was NOT HAPPY. Isn't it obvious?
To add to the humiliation, Bodger the Dodger was watching the whole thing. I gave him my hardest stare and I tried to escape but I was totally helpless and could not get away. I tried going backwards, forwards and sideways, but there was no way out. Syd 'the bouncer' was standing there with his arms folded, blocking the door to prevent me getting back in the house. If they are going to bath me, then I should have privacy at least. I don't want cats laughing at me whilst I am all soapy in the back yard. It is most undignified and against the rules. I may laugh at cats; cats may NOT laugh at me. I did a grumble in my throat but they just ignored me.
Then even worse than the soaping - came the rinsing. Do you know what they did? They actually rinsed me with the green garden snake. That green garden snake is for watering plants and squirting stuff. It's not to be used on ME! How would they like it? Being hosed down like poo being washed off the deck! I think they have forgotten who I am. I had to submit, but I stood there thinking evil thoughts and planning my revenge (and doing grumbles in my throat).
Look, here is Bodger! Syd finally got a picture of him. (He is quite fat). He was running away, and who could blame him after he'd seen what they had been doing to me. He probably thought he was next in line for a soaping.
After my bath I was 'towelled'. I don't like being 'towelled'. I struggle and fight and shake myself really hard but Sarah persists with the rubbing. Eventually I got away and took the towel with me so she couldn't do it anymore.
Now I smell of LEMONS, which Sarah says is very nice. But it's not very nice and it's not right for dogs to smell like fruit. When Syd sorts it out, I will post my first video appearance for you to see exactly what I do post-bath. I was VERY CROSS. I rolled around in all the leaves and sticks I could find, and I decided I would try to make the fence smell of lemons instead of me. I hope this will make the S's realise it's just not worth bathing me. I will always do my utmost to get stinky again, so they are wasting their time.
They gave me a bone and some biscuits after my bath and asked for my forgiveness. I will not forgive them till they BEG ME to. They will have to do better than that. I want a jumbo pot of peanut butter, at least. I rubbed my face all over my bone anyway, so at least my beard doesn't smell lemony any more, and I felt a bit like a proper dog again.
One more thing happened to make me feel just a little bit happier after the bath. Because I am now allowed to go for 5 minute walks to help the chicken leg get better, we walked down to the park so that I could dry off. Anyway, I was just minding my own business (still thinking evil thoughts) when a lady in a car stopped and shouted to Sarah. She said 'Is THAT an Airedale'? ('THAT'? How rude!) Sarah said yes, I was an Airedale baby and the lady said 'He is beautiful, he's the most gorgeous dog'. Did you get that? 'Gorgeous and beautful', she said I was. The lady said that she wanted an Airedale too, and she asked if I was a good dog. Sarah said I was a good dog (of course I am) but a bit stubborn (I am NOT stubborn).
Anyway I felt quite pleased but didn't show it. I just sat there, looking gorgeous and beautiful (very easy for me) and pretending not to listen, whilst the Humans talked about me. The only bad thing was that afterwards Sarah said; 'See Fozzie, that was because you had a bath - you are stopping traffic now'. Hmmm I don't think me being all fluffy and smelling of lemons was why the lady stopped. She just saw my natural Airedale Terrier handsomeness of course, (which, as all Airedales know, is only improved by getting stinky.) I hope this does not make Sarah think I should have MORE baths? That will be VERY BAD INDEED.
To help everyone avoid baths, this is what you need to watch out for.....the 'bathtime equipment'. If you see the washing up bowl, the green garden snake and the towel all together, and your Humans start circling you, then you know there's trouble in store..... Next time I spy these instruments of torture I am going to 'make like Bodger' and RUN AWAY as fast as I can!